Mommy's a Rock Star!

I am constantly trying to come up with new ways to impress my children. Pathetic, I know. But lately they have been bad for my ego:

Exhibit A: Carter, working on math homework, started to approach me with a question and then paused. “Do you need help?” I asked, anxious to show him my skills. (I did teach algebra at a local college, mind you. AND I passed calculus, so there!) “Uh, that’s okay. I think I’ll just ask Dad when he gets home from work.” “No, really,” I pushed. “I’m not busy. I can help you,” “Well, uh, no offense Mom, but I think this is more up Dad’s alley. He’s been to college.” EXCUSE ME? Oh, I’ve been to college, Buddy! I waddled around campus 9 months pregnant with you and took the very last final for my master’s degree a week after you popped out, which is a lot more than your daddy ever had to do!!! And you somehow think that seventh grade math is beyond me?!? He sheepishly consented to “let” me help him, but my ego was already beyond bruised.

Exhibit B: Taylor somehow learned about anorexia at school (?) and was asking questions, so I explained a little about the psychological reasons behind it (see- that master’s in counseling actually pays off once in a while!) I told her that a lot of fashion models are anorexic, and explained many of the physical dangers and then launched into a brief discussion of body dysmorphic disorder. She listened attentively and then said, “I get it. That is so sad that models are so messed up. I mean, a model would totally look at you and think that YOU are fat!” OUCH.

Exhibit C: The little kids, after spending the entire day with me, are so anxious to see a new face at the end of the day that they give Quinn a hero’s welcome when he walks in the door and I am pretty much invisible to them for the rest of the night. (which sometimes, admittedly, has its benefits.)

So, in a desperate attempt to save face, I figured out a way to impress my big two: I practice Guitar Hero songs while they are at school. I’ve been working on my repertoire for a while (unbeknownst to them) and the other day I casually joined in while they were having a rock fest. “I’ve never done this before,” I lied, “So don’t laugh at me.” “It’s okay, Mom. We won’t laugh. Moms never know how to play this game,” Taylor reassured me. And then I launched into “Message in a Bottle” (medium level), and got 97% of the notes. Their jaws were on the floor, so I walked away, leaving them wanting more. I overheard Carter say that he must get his natural guitar ability from me. CHA-CHING!

And I stumbled upon a trick that rendered my four tots speechless: I brought home some “Magic Growing Sea Creatures” from the Dollar Store and whipped them out one rainy afternoon. I told my mesmerized little audience, “I am going to put this little pill into the water and say “hocus pocus” and in 20 minutes it will magically turn into something cool!” I unveiled the sea creature- a killer whale- to my children’s glee and was thrilled when Tanner started running around, yelling, “Mommy is MAGIC! Holy Gosh- Mommy is MAGIC!” They begged me for more magic tricks, and I obliged with a few more sea creatures, and then told them that I must rest up my magic abilities for later. The look of admiration in their eyes was worth the entire dollar I spent on that one, and more!

I suppose that some day, later in life when my kids are grown, I won’t need to resort to trickery to impress them. I hope that they’ll look back and think I’m a rock star simply because I mothered them to the best of my ability. But for now, I will pathetically and unapologetically pull out all the stops (and tricks) to soothe my aching ego. (I just hope they don’t find out!)

"You Know You Have a Lot of Kids When..."

Along the lines of "if we don't laugh about this stuff, it just might kill us!", some friends and I started this running list. We got a little carried away, and probably had way more fun with it than we should have! BTW, Mindy has six children ages 7 and under (yes, you read that right!) and Michelle has 5 children under the age of 9. So I went to the right pals on this one! They came up with all the funny ones. :) If you enjoy the list and have any to add, please leave it in a comment, and I'll be sure to put it in for everyone! Here we go:

You Know You Have A Lot of Kids When…

1. you need a mnemonic device to remember all of their names
2. you monitor the price of milk like the stock market
3. you go shopping with a third of your kids and people still say you have your hands full
4. your husband asks for a piece of gum or candy and you automatically unwrap it before handing it to him
5. you consider it a good month because you only had to go to the pediatrician’s office four times
6. you own more sippy cups than drinking glasses
7. your children refer to your family room as “the play room”, no matter how nicely you decorate it
8. your entire life revolves around naptime
9. all of your neighbors pull up lawn chairs and “watch the show” as you load everybody into the van to go to church
10. you find yourself at the store and look down to realize that you are wearing two different colored flip-flops, but move forward with your shopping anyways because it already took you an hour to leave the house
11. the cleaning of your car could be featured on the show “Dirty Jobs”
12. you find yourself envious of the octopus because, boy would it be great to have a few more sets of arms!
13. you never see the bottom of your hamper
14. your children have inadvertently called “911” so many times that the sheriff’s office recognizes your number and has actually threatened to fine you (true story!)
15. your slogan changes from “diamonds are a girl’s best friend” to “wipes are a mom’s best friend”
16. all of your vehicles are minivans, and they’re STILL not big enough
17. the combined ages of your children outnumber your IQ
18. you automatically cut up the pancakes for your adult houseguests
19. you walk around humming the “hot dog song” from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse… nonstop
20. you have more carseats than empty seats in your vehicle
21. you’ve been banned from O’Charleys and every other restaurant where “kids eat free.”
22. every time you go out to eat, the entire restaurant stops to stare in a mixture of curiosity and horror
23. going to the bathroom becomes a public event
24. the dishwasher, washing machine, and clothes dryer are running all of the time
25. 45% of your grocery bill always ends up in the garbage
26. you actually feel a little homicidal when somebody dares ring the bell or knock loudly during naptime
27. you spend a great amount of time “shush’ing” the people around you
28. you are asked, most everywhere you go, “ Wow- you do know what causes that, right?”
29. alternately, you are told, most everywhere you go, “Jeez, you must be either Catholic or Mormon.”
30. you and your pediatrician are on a first-name basis, and you can’t help but notice that you see more of him than your husband
31. your remote control and cordless phone are found in the oddest places… the dryer, the piano bench, the toilet…
32. your favorite movie becomes “Barbie as the Nutcracker”, and you know every line of the movie, including the dance moves (which end up being your only exercise workout for the day)
33. your family snarfs an entire loaf of bread in one sitting
34. the cleaning of your car could be featured on the show “Dirty Jobs”
35. your favorite daily get-away is going out to get the mail, but half-way through one of your kids runs out the door after you, yelling, “MOMMY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!?”
36. the only time your house stays clean is between the hours of 11 p.m. and 6 a.m. (ie- “cleaning the house for the angels”)
37. you wonder if you should apply for “Supernanny”… just to get a break
38. there seems to be a new stain on the carpet daily (and nobody knows where it came from!)
39. your nail polish has been chipping away for four months, and you keep promising yourself, “I’ll paint my nails tomorrow when I have the time.”
40. you wake up in the morning during flu season and are grateful that only two of your children are covered in vomit
41. you could write a 5-page comparative analysis on the merits of each brand of diaper on the market
42. you find yourself being constantly argued over (“My mommy!” “No, my mommy!”) and wish you could be flattered, but instead are so sick of this particular argument that it’s all you can do to say, “I’m EVERYBODY’S Mommy!”
43. you go into a room and lock the door, and suddenly feel like you’re in the movie “Mission Impossible” as your little ones end up breaking in
44. you tell your kids to go into their rooms and please play quietly for one hour and, five minutes into it, they yell, “CAN WE COME OUT YET?!?”

45. strangers automatically assume that you run a daycare

Tanner-dotes

Is there anything cuter than a 3-year-old? We can't get enough of Tanner, and lately he says the funniest things. I can't help but share a few Tanner anectdotes:

While driving by the park, Tanner says, "Mommy, can you please slow down! I want to see! Drive Adagio, okay?" (hmm... too much "Little Einsteins" perhaps?)

Tanner's favorite church song is "I am a Child of God." After finally convincing Bailey that the song is not "I am a Cheetoh of God", Tanner has pressed on in applying the song to most everything he sees. While playing in the backyard the other day, he picked up a ladybug and serenaded: "You are a lady bug of God..." He told me that I am a "grown up of God."

In a fit of excitement after seeing an ambulance, Tanner yells, "Holy Gosh! We've gotta tell Daddy about this!" (Holy Cow! Oh my Gosh!)

After receiving the bread portion of the sacrament in church, Tanner turns to me and conspiratorially says, "Maybe next time they'll have peanut butter and jelly."

We've been working on manners lately. After I told the kids, "That's enough! I haven't heard a single "please" from any of you," Tanner came running up to me. "Can I have a fruit snack, please? Hey, guess what? I said a single please!!!"

Completely out-of-the-blue, Tanner says, "Hey, Mom! I figured it out! Barney is a hippo!" When I suggested that Barney might be a dinosaur instead, Tanner said, "Good try, Mom. But Barney looks too silly to be a dinosaur."

Haircuts and Matching Dresses

I cut the girls’ hair today. This is the first “real” cut for all of them, and really it was just a trim, but it felt monumental. I have these little snippets of each girl’s hair, taped together at the end, and I marvel at how different these three little moppets are, each having come out of my womb within 2 minutes of each other. But to look at them, you might not even know that they’re sisters. Sydney has dark eyes- practically black- and hair to match. She is tall and sturdy, and looks a lot like her older sister, Taylor. She has the most ridiculously long and luxuriant hair that I’ve ever seen on a two-year-old, and she wanted me to cut it “short, like Tanner’s” but I would rather cut off my arm. Riley is a wisp of a thing- tall and all elbows and knees and arms and legs. She’s so thin that she doesn’t have enough waist or hips to hold up her pants half the time. And all her black fuzzy hair has turned to dark blond. Her eyes are blue, “just wike Daddy’s.” Bailey… well, we’re not sure where she came by her genes. She’s a good three inches shorter at all times than both of her sisters, and she is petite but so strong, she should never be underestimated. There is power in those compact little muscles (and in that super-sized attitude), and she’ll pounce on you like a tiger if provoked. Her hair is a different shade of dark blond than Riley’s, and her eyes are hazel, “just wike Kelsey’s” (our super babysitter!).

Seriously, if you were to stick them in a room full of other girls and ask a stranger to pick out the triplets, I’m pretty sure that nobody would put them together. This is hilarious to me. Whenever we go out, I see people trying to do the math in their heads; me with all these kids, calculating who belongs with whom. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been told, “Oh, so you do daycare. Which one is yours?” I practically got into a fistfight with an employee at Bennigan’s (a restaurant with free kids’ meals on Tuesdays) because he kept insisting that the freebie special was only good for blood relatives. “They have to all be your own children to get the free meal,” he said over and over again. “They are all mine. ALL OF THEM ARE MINE! Seriously, I would not bring this many of somebody else’s children to a restaurant.” We got the free meals, but I’m pretty sure he never believed me. I really ought to go bring by their birth certificates.

Speaking of which, one of my neighbors also has six small children. (I like this- it makes me not the only freak show in town.) One day two daycare licensing specialists from the state showed up at her door, doing an impromptu “raid” because they’d had an anonymous tip that this woman was running an unlicensed daycare. Seriously. She had to unearth all their birth certificates to prove that the six children were indeed hers. After telling me this story, I lived in a dead panic until I could get to the birth certificate office and (finally) get official copies of the triplets’ birth certificates. Because the daycare cops would never in a million years believe me. Ever.

I’ve actually had people tell me I’m lying when I try to convince them that they are all mine and that they are, indeed, triplets. The Olan Mills photographer kept saying, “No, really. They’re cousins, right? This is an extended family photo shoot?” “No, really, I’m sure that would be fun, but this is an immediate family photo shoot. They really are all mine. Seriously.” “You’re lying!” she exclaimed, and had to sit down and fan herself. And that was BEFORE we started the chaos of trying to get a good picture.

So I dress them alike most of the time. And before you wonder if I’m limiting their sense of individuality and/or doing permanent damage to their psyche, let me assure you that my husband (the developmental psychologist) has passed off on this dressing strategy. But, to be honest, not because it’s good for their mental health, but instead because it’s good for OUR mental health. It’s just plain easier to have three of everything. And, mainly, it’s a lot easier to keep track of them when they look the same. (ie- when we are at the park, I’m just looking for three hot pink shirts and three flowered pants.) It’s a safety thing, which is exactly what I told a fellow soccer mom who side-lined me at practice one day to gently scold me for dressing them the same. Apparently she’d seen a show about this on PBS. I swallowed my initial response (“MYOB, granola lady!!! YOU try head-counting four toddlers at the same time, and then we’ll talk!!!”) and meekly promised to do better. And then I stopped at Target on the way home and bought 2 more matching outfits AND matching shoes, just to be really passive-aggressive.

I can dress them alike for as long as they’ll let me, but the fact remains: they are each very much their own person, and I love that about them.

Play-a-Rama

So we have a playhouse in the middle of our family room. Very chic, I know. I am quite sure that the word will spread and soon every fashionable home will follow suit. Playhouses will be the piece de resistance in the Pottery Barn catalogs.

I suppose this new addition to our décor is very fitting since my little ones call our family “the play room.” Ironic, since we have an actual play room, but it is upstairs and they have jointly decided to abscond upon what should be a nice family room instead. So, what the heck? No amount of classy cubby holes and hip fabric boxes can conceal the fact that my family room, is indeed, a place of play.

This playhouse was a gift from Santa, who spent months searching out the best deals and reading parent toy reviews. He is very savvy, our Santa. The shrieks of delight were heard throughout the neighborhood when the little ones finally saw their fully-constructed playhouse. Not, however, on Christmas day because… unbeknownst to Santa’s elves, this playhouse was a 5 hour construction job. With two people, that is. Guess we shoulda opened up the box and looked at the instructions before Christmas Eve. Luckily for us, the “babies” are still just two, so they were perfectly happy with the miniature kitchen and laundry center that Santa also wisely brought. (Those alone took Quinn 5 hours to put together! And he used to work construction in college!)

A special “thank you” shout-out goes to Uncle Caleb, who helped Quinn put this wretched thing together without complaining even once! (And it really did take 5 hours.) I don’t suppose he knew that his Christmas visit to Florida was going to include this, but he was the best of sports!

So, as if visiting a house full of children and chaos was not enough, we can now offer all of our houseguests unlimited play inside our newly-constructed playhouse, conveniently located in our family/play room. Come one, come all!

Potty Humor

(copy of a mass email I sent out on November 8, 2007)

Hello! I am smack dab in the middle of hades (ie- potty training) and I have decided that if I can't find the humor in it, then it WILL kill me. So, for those of you who keep asking what I'm up to lately... here it is: I pretty much spend all day long with four naked toddlers, either trying to prevent accidents or alternately cleaning them up because I didn't get there fast enough. During those in-between moments, I am trying to keep the kids from pulling all the toilet paper off the tube (they love how it zings in the air!), or, even worse, from putting the whole roll in the toilet. And of course I spend much of the day trying to keep them out of the sink (they flooded the downstairs bathroom a few weeks ago). I HATE POTTY TRAINING!!!!

As for progress: Tanner is totally potty trained, Sydney is almost there, Bailey is getting there, and Riley is nowhere near (and has absolutely no interest!)

As far as underwear goes: Tanner will only wear Thomas the Train, Cars, or Diego undies. Luckily, we are well-stocked. Sydney has a penchant for wearing Taylor's underwear, and therefore has a perpetual crack problem. Riley likes to put on her big girl undies by herself and is so skinny that she usually sticks both legs into one hole and ends up wearing them around her waist. And Bailey- well, let's just say that she prefers to not wear anything at all.

The up-side of all this mess is that I often overhear some funny "potty humor":

Yesterday Bailey did so great that I told her "you are almost potty-trained!" When Carter got home from school, she ran up to him (naked from the waist down, of course) and said, "Carter, I am a potty train!!!!" (which sent all the other kids into making train noises.)

Riley, for the first time, actually had a successful visit to the potty upon which she said, "Oh, I better go tell my guys that I went pee pee in the potty. Hey everybody! I go'ed pee pee in da potty!"

Tanner, trying to encourage Bailey, said,"Oh Bailey! Very good work. That is such pretty pee pee. Good job!"

All four of the kids will shoo everybody away from the bathroom when it is their turn and say, "Go away guys. I need my private-cy."


So, you can probably tell that right now I have no life! Thanks for letting me share, and pardon the crude nature of this message! Hope your days revolve a little less around the bathroom than mine do!

Best Witches and Great Pumpkins

Halloween was a much-anticipated and joyful event at our house. (Free candy AND dressing up- the kids were in heaven!) In fact, we are still "playing twick or tweet" which involves each of the little ones finding a bag or bucket of some sort and knocking on all the doors in our house yelling "twick or tweet" while Tanner runs from door to door and pretends to give them candy. Then they MUST say thank you (or, in Bailey's case "Happy Birthday Halloween!") or Tanner will take the pretend candy away.

The girls were "fairy princess witches" (as Sydney called it) or "the three little hags" (as Quinn preferred.) Tanner was the Chick-Fil-A cow, complete with an "eat more chiken" sign. (Carter's idea.) Taylor was Hannah Montana for one of her many parties, and a "Vampire Princess of Darkness" for some of the others. Carter, sadly, decided that he was too old to dress up and then changed his mind last minute and used my make-up to write all over his face and run around with friends to get candy. (But no photos, of course!)

We had lots of fun parties, including the "Trunk or Treat" at church, and a great play group party at my neighbor's. I think Stacy is the only soul brave enough to invite all four of my toddlers to her house for a play group, let alone a play group Halloween party, but the kids were thrilled! They put on their costumes and had treats and painted pumpkins over there. (Sydney still tells me "We can only paint on paper... or pumpkins." )

With the help of our good friends, the Ross family, we took the little kids all around the neighborhood to trick-or-treat. Once she figured out how it worked, Sydney could not go fast enough to each house, and dragged poor Shirlene behind her! She was on a mission to get as much candy as she could!

And, of course, we made a visit to the pumpkin patch (to buy more pumpkins to paint on- ha ha) with Jared and Carolyn and their boys. It has been such a busy and great month, with a visit as well from Diane and Grandma Roskelley! (I only hope that when I am in my 90's, I get around half as well as "Nana Kelley"!) We had such a great time with everyone who came, and the visits meant so much to us!

So now we head towards Thanksgiving and Christmas... yaay! The only problem is that my little ones do not understand that Halloween is the only holiday you really dress up for. Tanner keeps asking me what he should be for Thanksgiving! I said, "Thankful." His response: "That's too hard. How about I be a Power Ranger?" Can't wait to see what he'll be for Christmas!