Mommy's a Rock Star!

I am constantly trying to come up with new ways to impress my children. Pathetic, I know. But lately they have been bad for my ego:

Exhibit A: Carter, working on math homework, started to approach me with a question and then paused. “Do you need help?” I asked, anxious to show him my skills. (I did teach algebra at a local college, mind you. AND I passed calculus, so there!) “Uh, that’s okay. I think I’ll just ask Dad when he gets home from work.” “No, really,” I pushed. “I’m not busy. I can help you,” “Well, uh, no offense Mom, but I think this is more up Dad’s alley. He’s been to college.” EXCUSE ME? Oh, I’ve been to college, Buddy! I waddled around campus 9 months pregnant with you and took the very last final for my master’s degree a week after you popped out, which is a lot more than your daddy ever had to do!!! And you somehow think that seventh grade math is beyond me?!? He sheepishly consented to “let” me help him, but my ego was already beyond bruised.

Exhibit B: Taylor somehow learned about anorexia at school (?) and was asking questions, so I explained a little about the psychological reasons behind it (see- that master’s in counseling actually pays off once in a while!) I told her that a lot of fashion models are anorexic, and explained many of the physical dangers and then launched into a brief discussion of body dysmorphic disorder. She listened attentively and then said, “I get it. That is so sad that models are so messed up. I mean, a model would totally look at you and think that YOU are fat!” OUCH.

Exhibit C: The little kids, after spending the entire day with me, are so anxious to see a new face at the end of the day that they give Quinn a hero’s welcome when he walks in the door and I am pretty much invisible to them for the rest of the night. (which sometimes, admittedly, has its benefits.)

So, in a desperate attempt to save face, I figured out a way to impress my big two: I practice Guitar Hero songs while they are at school. I’ve been working on my repertoire for a while (unbeknownst to them) and the other day I casually joined in while they were having a rock fest. “I’ve never done this before,” I lied, “So don’t laugh at me.” “It’s okay, Mom. We won’t laugh. Moms never know how to play this game,” Taylor reassured me. And then I launched into “Message in a Bottle” (medium level), and got 97% of the notes. Their jaws were on the floor, so I walked away, leaving them wanting more. I overheard Carter say that he must get his natural guitar ability from me. CHA-CHING!

And I stumbled upon a trick that rendered my four tots speechless: I brought home some “Magic Growing Sea Creatures” from the Dollar Store and whipped them out one rainy afternoon. I told my mesmerized little audience, “I am going to put this little pill into the water and say “hocus pocus” and in 20 minutes it will magically turn into something cool!” I unveiled the sea creature- a killer whale- to my children’s glee and was thrilled when Tanner started running around, yelling, “Mommy is MAGIC! Holy Gosh- Mommy is MAGIC!” They begged me for more magic tricks, and I obliged with a few more sea creatures, and then told them that I must rest up my magic abilities for later. The look of admiration in their eyes was worth the entire dollar I spent on that one, and more!

I suppose that some day, later in life when my kids are grown, I won’t need to resort to trickery to impress them. I hope that they’ll look back and think I’m a rock star simply because I mothered them to the best of my ability. But for now, I will pathetically and unapologetically pull out all the stops (and tricks) to soothe my aching ego. (I just hope they don’t find out!)